There's a Tear in My Champagne

If you know my partner Jess, you know that he gets a little weepy. Ok, a lot weepy. He's been known to shed a tear when watching The Golden Girls. Freakish, I know, but it just makes me love him more. I guess this trait is not necessarily endearing to everyone else. This past Saturday, during a "drunk dialing" episode, a dear friend put it all in perspective.

It had been a spectacular day. It was sunny and warm so we spent the afternoon lying on the beach. When we'd had our fill of sand and surf, we headed back home. After a quick shower, we popped open a lovely bottle of Champagne. When the bubbly was gone, we decided to head over to Tea Dance. That's when reality started to sink in.

It was dead. The enormous bay-side deck that had been teeming with people only a week ago was almost empty. There was a total lack of what our friend Darryl calls "talent" (hot men.) The bars out on the deck were boarded up and our favorite bartenders were nowhere to be found. Summer was over, despite what the calendar might say. Even though we have our place until September 30th, Provincetown feels a little sad after Labor Day. We have no more extended stays or even long weekends scheduled.

We decided to cut our losses and find a place to have dinner. We went to our favorite restaurant, Front Street, without a reservation. Cindy, the hostess, has seen us a lot this Summer and is very good to us. She gives us a table whose party is 8 minutes late. We drown our sorrows in two-and-a-half bottles of wine, appetizers, salads and entrees. We were too engorged to have dessert, so we staggered home.

Back home, Jess gets the phone and starts dialing everyone he knows. The only person foolish/kind enough to take his call is our friend, Danny, who lives in New York. He works weekends and had just gotten out for a late dinner with some friends. Jess starts to relay his sad story of how the Summer is over, no one is left in P-town, blah blah blah. Danny listens attentively for several minutes, then laughs and says, "You're both such spoiled bitches! I love you though. Gotta go. Talk to you later." Click.

He was right of course. We're so friggin' lucky. Not just because of the things we have, but because we have friends who will give us a reality check when we need one.

This Goes Out to All the Breeders

Admit it. Stereotypes really come in handy sometimes. There's nothing like a sweeping generalization to make a long story short.

Whether we admit it or not, we like being labeled. It's comfortable. Perhaps that is why the gays have created such a prolific and nuanced list of names for the different sub-groups within our species. The terminology can be confusing for a breeder. So I offer a primer in contemporary gay nomenclature.

Turn-Ons

bot·tom (bŏt'əm) likes it in the butt

top (tŏp) likes to put it in someone else's butt

ver·sa·tile (vûr'sə-təl, -tīl') likes it in his butt and likes to put it in someone else's butt

size¹ (sīz) queen (kwēn) A gay male who is exclusively interested in men with very large penises (girth and length are required); usually a bottom

rice (rīs) queen (kwēn) A white gay male who exclusively dates Asian men

Body Type

bear (bâr) A big, fat, hairy gay male; one is usually only referred to as a bear if he self identifies as such; otherwise he is just big, fat and hairy.

wolf (wʊlf) A gay male with moderate to heavy body hair with an average, or better, body build

seal (sēl) A gay male with little-to-no body hair, typically young with an above-average body

Age

dad·dy (dăd'ē)

1. A gay man who is middle-aged or older and sexually attractive
2. An older gay man who is in a relationship with a younger man
3. A wealthy, older gay man who is in a relationship with a younger man for whom the relationship provides the primary source of financial resources
   

twink A young or young-looking male homosexual

chick·en (chĭk'ən) A young male homosexual

chick·en (chĭk'ən) hawk (hôk) An older gay man who preys on "chickens"

poo·dle (pūd'l) A young, thin, emaculately groomed, urban gay male; sometimes used as a derogatory term, indicating the person is bitchy and shallow

"Partying"

cir·cuit (sûr'kĭt) boy (boi) A gay male who attends circuit parties or otherwise engages in clubbing or night-life; usually in their thirties, attractive and muscular; usually high as a kite

cir·cuit (sûr'kĭt) rai·sin (rā'zĭn) A shriveled, overly-tan gay man who should have stopped partying many years ago

Lesbians

lip·stick (lĭp'stĭk') les·bi·an (lĕz'bē-ən) A homosexual woman whose physical appearance (manner of dress, hairstyle, etc.) is much like that of a heterosexual woman

ba·by (bā'bē) dyke (dīk) A young lesbian who is newly "out" and going through a postponed adolescence that is characterized by loud, obnoxious behavior such as binge drinking and fist fighting


die·sel (dē'zəl, -səl) dyke (dīk) Especially rough and rugged lesbians; their prefered weapons are tire irons and wrenches

Hee-Haw dyke (dīk) A lesbian characterized by a manner of dress and behavior similar to that of a young, rural, heterosexual male

REALLY Alternative Lifestyles

drag (drăg) queen (kwēn) A gay male entertainer or performer who dresses as a woman, usually in a campy, over-the-top manner

cross (krôs, krŏs) -dress·er (drĕs'ər) Any person, male or female, gay or straight, who dresses as a member of the opposite sex

tran·ny (trăn' nee) Any person in any stage of gender reassignment; can be broadly grouped into either "Pre-Op" or "Post-Op" categories