This Goes Out to All the Breeders

Admit it. Stereotypes really come in handy sometimes. There's nothing like a sweeping generalization to make a long story short.

Whether we admit it or not, we like being labeled. It's comfortable. Perhaps that is why the gays have created such a prolific and nuanced list of names for the different sub-groups within our species. The terminology can be confusing for a breeder. So I offer a primer in contemporary gay nomenclature.

Turn-Ons

bot·tom (bŏt'əm) likes it in the butt

top (tŏp) likes to put it in someone else's butt

ver·sa·tile (vûr'sə-təl, -tīl') likes it in his butt and likes to put it in someone else's butt

size¹ (sīz) queen (kwēn) A gay male who is exclusively interested in men with very large penises (girth and length are required); usually a bottom

rice (rīs) queen (kwēn) A white gay male who exclusively dates Asian men

Body Type

bear (bâr) A big, fat, hairy gay male; one is usually only referred to as a bear if he self identifies as such; otherwise he is just big, fat and hairy.

wolf (wʊlf) A gay male with moderate to heavy body hair with an average, or better, body build

seal (sēl) A gay male with little-to-no body hair, typically young with an above-average body

Age

dad·dy (dăd'ē)

1. A gay man who is middle-aged or older and sexually attractive
2. An older gay man who is in a relationship with a younger man
3. A wealthy, older gay man who is in a relationship with a younger man for whom the relationship provides the primary source of financial resources
   

twink A young or young-looking male homosexual

chick·en (chĭk'ən) A young male homosexual

chick·en (chĭk'ən) hawk (hôk) An older gay man who preys on "chickens"

poo·dle (pūd'l) A young, thin, emaculately groomed, urban gay male; sometimes used as a derogatory term, indicating the person is bitchy and shallow

"Partying"

cir·cuit (sûr'kĭt) boy (boi) A gay male who attends circuit parties or otherwise engages in clubbing or night-life; usually in their thirties, attractive and muscular; usually high as a kite

cir·cuit (sûr'kĭt) rai·sin (rā'zĭn) A shriveled, overly-tan gay man who should have stopped partying many years ago

Lesbians

lip·stick (lĭp'stĭk') les·bi·an (lĕz'bē-ən) A homosexual woman whose physical appearance (manner of dress, hairstyle, etc.) is much like that of a heterosexual woman

ba·by (bā'bē) dyke (dīk) A young lesbian who is newly "out" and going through a postponed adolescence that is characterized by loud, obnoxious behavior such as binge drinking and fist fighting


die·sel (dē'zəl, -səl) dyke (dīk) Especially rough and rugged lesbians; their prefered weapons are tire irons and wrenches

Hee-Haw dyke (dīk) A lesbian characterized by a manner of dress and behavior similar to that of a young, rural, heterosexual male

REALLY Alternative Lifestyles

drag (drăg) queen (kwēn) A gay male entertainer or performer who dresses as a woman, usually in a campy, over-the-top manner

cross (krôs, krŏs) -dress·er (drĕs'ər) Any person, male or female, gay or straight, who dresses as a member of the opposite sex

tran·ny (trăn' nee) Any person in any stage of gender reassignment; can be broadly grouped into either "Pre-Op" or "Post-Op" categories

Blow Hole Patrol

On Saturday, we went out on the boat again with Jess' parents. We had every intention of fishing for tuna, but never got around to it. We stopped to watch some whales along the way, and the whales just never went away or stopped surfacing. The sea was literally teeming with humpback, fin and minke whales. At any given moment, you could turn around and see at least one whale, usually three or more. There were spouts coming up from their blow holes in every direction. It was crazy, and it was like this for well over an hour, probably two.

Another weird thing, the whales were incredibly close to the shore--less than half a mile from the beach at times. Usually when we see whales, there's no land in sight. I've been fortunate to see lots of whales on lots of occasions. I've definitely been closer and I've definitely seen more spectacular displays (breaching and so forth.) But no one on the boat has ever seen this many whales at once.

The video doesn't begin to capture what it was like. For one thing, there are only three there. (Actually there were more to my right, but the whale flapping the surface of the water was the one putting on the best show.) Be warned, the footage is wicked shaky. You may need a dramamine.

Top Ten Things to Do in Provincetown When it Rains

1. Get a Brazilian bikini wax
2. Eat! Eat! Eat!
   
3. Shopping--you can never have enough spandex and Lycra
4. Work on that drinking problem you've been neglecting lately
5. "Massage while you're in town?"
6. Show Tune Karaoke
7. Masturbate
8. Get temporary henna tattoo with the name of last night's trick.
9. Try to ascertain the name of last night's trick.
10. Watch daytime talk shows; question the meaning of life and fall into an existential depression.